


Letting in the Past

by Only_Happy_Endings



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Graham and Doctor bonding over dead wives, Meddling TARDIS, but goddammit somebody needs to hug her and it might as well be Graham, out of character bc 13 would literally never talk about feelings, the TARDIS cares about her doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Only_Happy_Endings/pseuds/Only_Happy_Endings
Summary: Graham and the Doc bond over tea and dead wives late at night
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 7
Kudos: 123





	Letting in the Past

The Doctor never talked about her past. Not for lack of trying on the other’s part. Any time one of them tried to ask her a personal question she’d get cagey, or lash out and end up dropping them home early. She hid behind a bubbly personality and seamlessly endless amounts of energy to mask any real feelings, but every now and then she’d mention something in passing about an old adventure or a friend she once had and for just a second the mask would fall, and Graham would notice how old and tired her eyes really were.

Graham couldn't help but think there had to be an awful lot of hurt in her past to make her that scared of opening up to people. That scared of losing people.

Even if she was hundreds of years older than him, Graham knew a person who was grieving when he saw one. He decided at some point or another, he was going to get her to open up to him.

\----------

Some nights on the TARDIS Graham just can’t sleep right. Maybe it's the adrenaline from the day's adventure saving some small village from an alien parasite, or maybe it's just bones aching with age. Maybe it’s the fact that even after all this time, it feels wrong to be sleeping without Grace keeping him warm on the other side of the bed. After staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours, he gives up on sleep and decides to make himself a cup of tea. He slips on a pair of slippers and walks down the hall, the lights are dimmed to a soft yellow, letting him know that it must still be late at night (At least according to the Tardis. Is there even such a thing as night in space?). The kitchen lights are already turned on, and the kettle is just starting to steam. It seems the TARDIS knew he would be coming. “Thanks love” He muttered as he busied himself preparing his tea.

When he had first heard the Doctor talk to the machine like it was alive he had thought she was insane, but after spending so much time on the machine, feeling the gentle vibration of her under his feet, watching her emotions ebb and flow with the Doctor’s, he had to acknowledge the truth that the TARDIS really was a sentient time ship.

Tea in hand, Graham was heading back to his room when he heard a gentle ‘ping’ come from somewhere inside the kitchen . He turned back around and saw a second cup of tea, in a rainbow mug (The Doctors favorite), steaming and fully prepared. “Guess the Doc must be coming around soon then” He noted, and turned back around, only to be met with another, louder and more insistent ping. “What do you want me to do, then? Bring the Doc her tea?” Another noise, this one a gentle hum. Sighing at the absurdity that had become his life, talking to a machine in the middle of the night, he walked over and picked up the mug, “I’ll take that as a yes then. Is she in the consol room?” another gentle hum. 

Graham walked into the console room, a tea mug in both hands, fully intent on berating the Doctor for her TARDIS using him as a butler, when he saw something completely shocking and new to him, even after all the alien planets he had visited. The Doctor was sitting still. The doors to the TARDIS were flung open, and she seemed to be staring out at whatever was on the other side, feet dangling off the edge. He came and sat down beside her.

“Hey Doc”

She didn’t say anything, but she turned and accepted the tea he offered her with a soft smile. 

“What are we looking at?” Graham asked. They were suspended in space, circling a planet of some sorts. Over the last year, Graham had seen cosmos in every shape and color. He had seen planets be born and suns burn out, all with spectacular colors. He figured if the Doc had just wanted a view she would have chosen something a little more beautiful. This regular old planet must hold some emotional value to her, then. 

“What are we looking at?” He tried again

More silence

Graham turned and took another good look at her face. It was more raw and honest than he had ever seen it, and she looked so… lost. He felt that familiar granddad instinct to wrap her in a hug, but something told him she wouldn’t appreciate that at this moment. Instead he closed his eyes a moment and started talking.

“When Grace first died I did the same thing you’re doing now. Except I didn’t have a fancy space machine, so my spot was the bench out in our flower garden. I couldn’t stand to be around anyone else, cause they all looked at me with such pity, and all I could think was, how could they possibly understand the pain I’m feeling? So I’d sit out there all alone in the yard, imaging Grace was there with me, still kneeling in the garden and planting the daisies while she laughed at some dumb joke I had made.” Graham sighed. “The pain never goes away. But it does fade, with time. Whatever’s making you so sad Doc, it’ll heal if you give it time.” He playfully elbowed her “It helps to talk about it, you know. You have people who care about you, don’t forget that”

They sat in another moment of silence. Graham almost jumped when she said something.

“What was that, love?” he asked

“The Library”

“You want to go to the library?”

She gestured below him. “This planet. It’s called the Library.”

“The Library, huh? Odd name for a planet” Graham responded, wondering if this was connected to their previous conversation or if she had decided to change the subject completely.

“ It's so big it doesn’t need a name, really. The whole world is a library! Imagine that. The whole core of the planet is the index computer. Biggest hard drive ever. Every book that’s ever been written is down there.” 

“It’s the fifty-first century,” She added as an afterthought.

“Excellent. I love a library. Can we kip down and take a look?”

“Maybe another time” The doctor smiled

Graham leveled her another look. The Doctor never said no to an adventure, unless it was something that would directly change their timelines (And even then, sometimes all she needed to change her mind was a smile from a pretty girl).

“What's really going on here, Doc? Why did you choose this planet to stare at and look all sad. And don't deny it!” He cut her off as she had opened her mouth to say something “You might have Ryan and Yaz fooled, but I've lived long enough to know that look in your eyes. I’ve had it in my own a few times, I reckon”

The Doctor shut her mouth at that, speechless.  _ Twice in one night _ , thought Graham.  _ It’s a shame the others aren’t awake, they’d never believe me if I told them I’d outspoken the Doc. _

“Her name was River” The Doctor eventually said

He could hear the weight in her voice, and he knew without asking that River had been her Grace.

“She must have been something special.” 

“Oh, she was” the Doctor said, her lips quirking up into a smile, her first one of the evening. 

They sat in a comfortable silence after that, drinking their tea. Both knew there was nothing left to say that evening.

  
  


\----------

He found her there again a week later. He had been unable to sleep, and when he went to make tea, he made two cups, just in case. He had a sneaking suspicion, and it had proven to be correct.

“How’d you two meet?” he asked once the two of them had settled down at the edge of the door again.

She chuckled, “In the wrong order”.

“What do you mean by that?”

“The first time I met her, we were in a library. I was young and foolish and she had known me her whole life. She died that day. The first time she met me, I wore a bowtie and was best friends with her parents, and we locked Hitler in a cupboard.”

Graham shook his head. “You know you’re making no sense again, right Doc?”

“River never made much sense to me either” The Doctor smiled, staring out the door of the Tardis. Graham decided it wouldn’t be worth it to ask for clarification. To be honest, he’s pretty sure the Doctor’s version of clarifying would just make things more confusing anyway. 

\----------

Meeting late at night became a sort of habit for the two of them. Graham would always find himself unable to fall asleep, make two cups of tea, and wander into the console room. Sure enough, the Doctor would be there. She didn’t always park the TARDIS in the same place. One time it was on the moon, at a university. _River had been a professor of archaeology._ See would say in way of an explanation. _She always cheated._ One night they hovered over a planet the Doctor said held the The Singing Towers of Darillium. _I took her here on our last date. The day I saw her die, she mentioned this was where she saw me last. I kept putting off taking her here. I couldn’t stand the idea of saying goodbye._ Graham's heart would always ache for the Doctor after these stories. He couldn’t imagine the pain of knowing how his wife’s life would end. And yet, at the same time, he understood the feeling of spending time with the love of your life and knowing your days were numbered. Some nights Graham would talk about Grace. The things he loved doing with her, the way he still misses her. The way he thought cancer would take him away from her, and how much more he had to appreciate every moment he had. The Doctor was a surprisingly good listener, even if she was a little socially awkward. She would smile and nod, and he knew she understood what it was like.

She may be young on the outside, filled with the energy and optimism of a child, but Graham recognized her for what she was; old, tired, and in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on. He could be that shoulder, for a little while.


End file.
